New Year, New Directions
I sit at my computer, my fingers once again refusing to type. I feel the knot in my stomach. I know I must write the truth.
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
For years I’ve been offering you the best my experience and expertise could provide. It has all been authentic and true. It has been heart felt. And it has been incomplete.
What’s been missing?
I haven’t mentioned the moments – or days or weeks – of doubt and uncertainty. I haven’t written much about the bumps and rough spots along the Path of Joy. Entrenched in my persona of ‘expert’, I’ve been unwilling to share anything of my own insecurity and vulnerability as I walk this path.
Back last spring, my Inner Wisdom began showing me that it’s time to come clean. To move forward – and I am committed to moving forward – I must be willing to let you, my dear readers, know about times when I just don’t know, or when what I know doesn’t seem to be helping much, or when things end up messy, rather than all neatly tied up with a happy ending.
I’ve been resisting that guidance like crazy.
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Okay. In my heart I know – without a doubt – that this new direction is right. Right?
Well, ask Ego about that. Ego is a formidable opponent when it comes to daring to appear vulnerable.
Ego has no intention of letting anyone know that I’m not always on top of things. Ego is seriously attached to the prestige of my professional identity, to say nothing of all of those many years of experience. Ego is terrified of what might happen if anyone knew my uncertainties, my f*ck ups (if you’ll pardon the expression…), my own dark nights of the soul…
Worst of all, there have been times when I’ve felt cut off from my own Inner Wisdom. When I seek guidance, all that I hear is silence. Remember me? I’m the one who’s the expert on connecting with Inner Wisdom….. How can I write about that?
Once again, I step away from the keyboard, suffering the tension that leaves me unable to write. And then an Angel appears, quite spontaneously, shining with a soft light.
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I feel completely safe in Angel’s presence and so deeply grateful and relieved to see her.
Angel regards me with absolute compassion and tells me, “You are making this so hard for yourself. It doesn’t have to be so hard. You know that you’re moving in the direction of greater openness and vulnerability. You know that for you to move forward this needs to happen. If you’re completely honest with yourself, you’ll even admit that this is where you long to go.’
“Just let go. Allow us to help you. Just let yourself go with the flow.”
I yearn to do this. I know absolutely that Angel is correct. I share with Angel how much I want to let go, to follow my inner guidance, to go with the flow.
I know, though, that there is a part of me holding me back. I ask for that part to be made clear to me, so that I can understand it better. Then, perhaps, we can release its hold on me.
Immediately a Little Girl appears, perhaps two or three years old. She is very bright. She has learned how much the people around her delight in her cleverness. She soaks up their approval every time she comes up with the right answer.
This Little Girl is terrified- if they ever see that’s she’s not really so smart, if she should get it wrong, they won’t love her any more.
I feel such love and compassion for that Little Girl. I know that Angel can help her to learn that she does not need to know it all in order to be loved. Angel will help her know that she is love, that she is loveable and that she is loved, no matter what.
I give the Little Girl over to the Angel, with deep trust in Angel’s healing power. I am so grateful to my Angel Guide for helping me get out of my own way. And I’m grateful that I can entrust that scared Little Girl to the unconditional love waiting within. Now, at last, I can see myself moving forward in greater openness, honesty and authenticity.
After my meeting with the Angel, bathed in the safety and security surrounding me, the writing flows easily. The blogs seem to write themselves.
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Here I sit, ready to push the ‘Send’ button.
In facing those parts of us that seem to stand in the way, they become, not the enemy, but a part of the self that begs to be understood and is ready for transformation.
Every experience offers value to our higher good
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As I push ‘Send’, I’m flooded with relief, joy and a sense of vast expansion.
I wish you, my dear reader, joy, expansion and great blessing in this coming year!